I thought I should write a reflection on my becoming a recent college graduate because unlike many people who seem to be excited to face the world, I'm kind of... not.

I always thought that I'd be happy to graduate and finally get away from CMU. It was a long four years where the majority of the time, I felt as if I never fit in. I felt like I was trying my best but was still never good enough. It was upsetting and more than humbling, not the college experience I wanted. Unlike the college stories I was accustomed to hearing about fun and friends, I associated CMU with a suffocating amount of work that left little time for a social life and dreary weather that left me with little inspiration. But these past few days I've realized that my time at CMU all passed by too quickly, and I barely had time to say my farewells. Since graduating, I've been depressed that I won't be able to see friends in classes, run into acquaintances on campus, or stay up until insane hours talking about everything and nothing at all. I guess I knew that there would be a time when college life would come to an end, but I was never prepared for how lost I'd feel once it actually happened.

It's been really hard for me to look forward to the future when I know I don't have set plans. While I want to argue that I have so much left to accomplish, I don't know where to begin. This past year especially, I've come to the conclusion that I have too many interests that it's difficult for me to choose to pursue a single one. It worries me that I may be someone who can never truly be satisfied, that no matter what I do, I will always want more, that I will always look back on decisions I've made with regret.

The only thing I am sure of about my future is that I want to continue to learn. I want to learn to cook, to take photos, to design, to create art, to play music, to write, to travel, to dream. And somewhere down the road, I want to learn to live and be happy.

Have not updated in.... a few months... so, I shall present my work prints for my b&w photo final project that I am so proud of:











By work prints, I mean that these are not final prints and I may not use some of them for my final, which will consist of ten photos.

A friend upon seeing these told me I had a shoe fetish. I disagree. :P

Latest fortune cookie fortunes:

While times may seem difficult, your future forecasts a quick turnaround.

Love is on its way.

The really great man is the man who makes everyone feel great.

Actual fortunes instead of those fake proverbs that make no sense! (Well, minus that last one, which I got today.) But look-- how optimistic!

Aside from these fortunes, I am dying a little this semester. I feel as if I have no time to work on applications (for jobs/grad school), and not enough time to make good portfolios to go along with applications. Ideally, I'd want to apply next semester because I have one required class to take for my major (English) and one class left for my minor (Business). Registration for classes is on Monday, and I have yet to figure out what I will be taking! I know I definitely want to take Digital Photography at Filmmakers, I will most likely take Marketing Research for my minor... and I may do Senior Project for BHA to fill up my schedule, otherwise... no idea. :/ I am trying to take five courses next semester, although I know I don't need to... I wish I could put life on pause for a while.

AHHHH, I am into my third week at school now and already I feel as if I've been stressing for no reason. Actually, I am stressing for reasons--it's just that those reasons happen to be floating around in my head so that I can't pinpoint them, or maybe so I won't pinpoint them. I think I'm really just in denial, and I'm purposely not giving my reasons a name so that I won't have to confront them--but who really knows how my brain works? I surely do not.

In reality, I haven't had as much work as I anticipated so far. However, instead of calming me, this happens to distress me further as I continue to think about the flood of assignments that is sure to be coming. I've been sleeping just to wake up, and I never seem to have enough sleep as a result of it.

My weekends have been pretty lighthearted so far, though I always feel as if there's some cloud overhanging any present contentment. Maybe it's just the thought that nothing lasts forever, not happiness, (but not sadness either, luckily). On a more positive note, I have been making use of my weekends to visit places in Pittsburgh I haven't had the chance to see. On Saturday I went to the Warhol, and I am planning to go to Phipps this weekend to see the Dove exhibit. (Dove as in the chocolate.) I have no idea what this exhibit is about, but my expectations are probably way too hopeful. Right now I am imagining something out of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory with plants made out of chocolate and candy. It's a nice dream. :)

So... I am back at school for my senior year now...

It was kind of scary coming back to campus considering I've done it so many times before; it's still hard for me to think that it's my last year and that I'm pretty freaking old. Ahhhh, don't want reality to set in!!

Anyway, right now I am sitting at my desk and sipping hot chocolate for breakfast and contemplating my many issues-- presently, I have discovered that I have a dependency issue. I always feel like crying whenever my parents leave me, which I find weird because it bothers me when they baby me way too often. I should probably seek other people out so I'll have something to distract me.

My other issue, which may or may not be as extreme, depending on who you are and what you perceive as extreme, is that I keep hearing clicky noises coming from the doubles I share a bathroom with and no one has moved in yet!! Maybe I'm going crazy...